“The people that are most happily married have figured out a way to have enough security in their marriage to feel a sense of safety and trust, but allow it to continue growing. It’s a marriage that stops being validation based and allows growth within the context of the relationship. It’s willing to be honest enough with each other that the marriage stays alive and vital. Those are the most happily married people.

A lot of marriages do this split where the couple makes it predictable and safe, yet stay validation based and not bring up or deal with hard things. It feels predictable, but dead. This is when they’re more vulnerable to looking for life outside of the marriage, because they’re afraid of bringing life into the marriage.”

— Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife

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Question #1

My wife had a baby 6 months ago, and is afraid to have sex with me again. I've tried to get her to open up to me about what is going on, and why she is so anxious. I've let her dictate the pace of things so far, but if it were up to her, I'm not sure we'd ever have sex again.
Before the baby, sex was a struggle for her. She was unsure of what she liked and what felt good. If I accidentally stumbled on something that felt good, and she had an orgasm, I would try to repeat whatever I was doing during the next session, but that was rarely successful. I'm beside myself trying to figure out what can be done to help her learn to enjoy being intimate with me. What can I do? Or, what can I encourage her to do? Help!

Question #2

I think I had an emotional affair. I’ve been married to my wife for almost a decade, and she’s the absolute best. She truly is my best friend and a wonderful mother to our three kids. After almost 10 years of marriage things have gotten pretty routine, but not necessarily complacent. We still laugh and talk and enjoy each other, but sometimes the routine gets a little stale.
A couple of years ago, I texted a female friend. We were friends in high school but hadn’t kept in touch until I reached out about a business proposition. It was pretty innocent, but over time became pretty flirty until she eventually proposed the idea of an affair. I immediately severed ties with her and told my wife what she had said. This happened more 7 months ago. We haven’t spoken since, but I honestly miss her. I think about her all the time, almost daily. I miss how we would make each other laugh and our deep conversations through texts. I miss being desired by someone new... or at all. It has gotten easier over time, but I could use some direction.
Was this an emotional affair? Should I tell my wife about it? How can I phrase it sensitively, if so? And how can I deal with this feeling of wanting to reach out to my former friend all the time? How do I replace the feelings of excitement that I was getting from her? Or do I have to learn deal without that excitement all together? I know... I’ve got issues.

Question #3

My question is about sexuality and chronic illness. How do you navigate sexuality and desire when one partner has a normal high sex drive and the other is sick and has barely any energy for anything. Even washing my hair is difficult most days.
Before we were married I had a great drive, but very soon after I became very very sick. I try to be sexual as much as possible, but I feel guilty about not being able to meet his needs. Most of the time I would rather die than put the necessary energy into sex. Do you have any ideas for strategies to employ when his desire is high but my energy is low?

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About Our Guest

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is a LDS relationship and sexuality coach as well as a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in the state of Illinois. She has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. In addition to her dissertation research on LDS women's sexuality and relationship to desire, she has taught college level human sexuality courses. Her teaching and coaching focuses on helping LDS individuals and couples achieve greater satisfaction and passion in their emotional and sexual relationships.

In addition to consultation with couples and individuals (in person and online), she offers online relationship and sexuality courses as well as live workshops and retreats for LDS couples and individuals.

Jennifer is a frequent guest on LDS-themed podcasts and write articles for LDS-themed blogs and magazines, on the subjects of sexuality, relationships, mental health and faith.

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Past Episodes of Ask a Mormon Sex Therapist on the Rational Faiths Podcast

Show Notes

Legal Disclaimer

The advice offered through "Ask a Mormon Sex Therapist" podcast is educational and informational in nature and is provided only as general information. It is not meant to establish a therapist-patient relationship or offer therapeutic advice, opinion, diagnosis treatment or to establish a standard of care. Although Dr. Finlayson-Fife is a trained psychotherapist, she is not functioning in the role of a licensed therapist during these sessions, but rather using her training to inform these sessions. Thus, the content is not intended to replace independent professional judgment. The content is not intended to solicit clients or patients; and should not be relied upon as medical or psychological advice of any kind or nature whatsoever. The information provided through the Content should not be used for diagnosing or treating a mental health problem or disease. The information contained in these communications is not comprehensive and does not include all the potential information regarding the subject matter, but is merely intended to serve as one resource for general and educational purposes.