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Question #1
I have been reading Dr. Schnarch's books. In "Resurrecting Sex," he talks about subjective arousal and how to enhance your sexual experience with more than just physical stimulation.
I grew up in the LDS culture and I have unknowingly been repressing my sexuality for years. I have been married for 15 years and felt a lot of desire for the first half. After my 4th baby was born, my sexual desire seemed to evaporate and I did my best to make peace with it instead of turning to anger at my body and God's plan. How could God's plan involve me never wanting sex? I could still orgasm with physical stimulation but it was always a lot of work and took more time than I thought it was worth. Even with less desire, my husband and I are blessed to have a beautiful relationship.
Two weeks ago we discovered your work and we have listened to HOURS of content so far. We both have a new lens of understanding and I have felt more desire in the past two weeks than I have in the past 7 years. I have felt like a newlywed again. We both have. It has been so fun to have so much meaningful sex without worrying about validating each other. But I still can't figure out what actually turns me on.
How do I discover subjective arousal and add it to the physical, to have a full expression of my sexuality? I am planning on signing up for your "Art of Desire" course soon when I can schedule some intentional time for it. Thanks for all your work, asking and finding answers to tough questions.
Question #2
My husband and I have 5 kids in 10 years with our oldest now 15 years old. The last 5 years I have noticed my need for non sexually driven touch (hold my hand, a hug with no wandering hands, arm around my shoulder, play with my hair etc.). I realize that now that I’m asking him to recognize and try to do that for me he feels like it is an insatiable need of mine and I feel like intercourses is his insatiable need. It’s hard for both of us to accept the others offering when it feels forced or out of duty. Now, I don’t want to have intercourse if he isn’t giving me attention outside of our room. It has become a focused point of contention and one that is measurable so it is now used as ammunition in other disagreements.
Question #3
It takes me a really long time to orgasm, and it makes me feel bad that my husband has to spend more time for me to finish than it takes for him to. He NEVER makes me feel bad--he says he enjoys it. But I still feel like I am taking more than giving. We've tried to figure out other ways to change it up, but the only way I finish is after a long session of oral sex. It's awesome! I just feel needy.
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About Our Guest
Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife
Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is a LDS relationship and sexuality coach as well as a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in the state of Illinois. She has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. In addition to her dissertation research on LDS women's sexuality and relationship to desire, she has taught college level human sexuality courses. Her teaching and coaching focuses on helping LDS individuals and couples achieve greater satisfaction and passion in their emotional and sexual relationships.
In addition to consultation with couples and individuals (in person and online), she offers online relationship and sexuality courses as well as live workshops and retreats for LDS couples and individuals.
Jennifer is a frequent guest on LDS-themed podcasts and write articles for LDS-themed blogs and magazines, on the subjects of sexuality, relationships, mental health and faith.
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Show Notes
Legal Disclaimer
The advice offered through "Ask a Mormon Sex Therapist" podcast is educational and informational in nature and is provided only as general information. It is not meant to establish a therapist-patient relationship or offer therapeutic advice, opinion, diagnosis treatment or to establish a standard of care. Although Dr. Finlayson-Fife is a trained psychotherapist, she is not functioning in the role of a licensed therapist during these sessions, but rather using her training to inform these sessions. Thus, the content is not intended to replace independent professional judgment. The content is not intended to solicit clients or patients; and should not be relied upon as medical or psychological advice of any kind or nature whatsoever. The information provided through the Content should not be used for diagnosing or treating a mental health problem or disease. The information contained in these communications is not comprehensive and does not include all the potential information regarding the subject matter, but is merely intended to serve as one resource for general and educational purposes.
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