What's The Church's Standard Regarding Oral Sex?

I get a lot of sex-related questions from couples – especially newly engaged couples – regarding whether or not there are any restrictions or things we should avoid in the bedroom. To put it bluntly, most of them ask, "What about oral sex? Is that ok?"

The History

The majority of the confusion around this topic stems from a letter sent to local church leaders and mission presidents from the First Presidency in January of 1982. The purpose of the letter was to clarify and define the correct protocol for conducting worthiness interviews for temple recommends and prospective missionaries. In the letter, Bishops, Branch Presidents and Stake Presidents were counseled:

When interviewing married persons, the one doing the interviewing should scrupulously avoid indelicate inquiries which may be offensive to the sensibilities of those being interviewed.

The next paragraph is where the confusion originated:

Married persons should understand that if in their marital relations they are guilty of unnatural, impure, or unholy practices, they should not enter the temple unless and until they repent and discontinue any such practices...The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice.

This letter (seen below) was not intended to be read over the pulpit as counsel for general church members. Rather, it was meant specifically for training purposes.

Several months after the letter was received by local leaders, two things were clear to the prophet and his counselors:

1. Many local leaders had dismissed the counsel to "scrupulously avoid indelicate inquiries which may be offensive" and had begun asking married couples whether or not they engaged in oral sex during their temple recommend interviews. They knew this because...

2. The First Presidency received an outpouring of letters from church members asking why the church was getting involved in what goes on consensually within their bedrooms.

In October of 1982, just 9 months after the previous letter, the First Presidency sent out a clarifying letter to local leaders reemphasizing that, "should never inquire into personal, intimate matters involving marital relations between a man and his wife. You should never deviate from the specific questions contained in the temple recommend book. If in the course of such interviews a member asks questions about the propriety of specific conduct, you should not pursue the matter but should merely suggest that if the member has enough anxiety about the propriety of the conduct to ask about it, the best course would be to discontinue it."

The October letter did not specifically address whether or not oral sex was or was not considered an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice, and was also not read over the pulpit for general church members leaving many without clear answers.

It did, however, imply that it's not the business of the church what a couple does in their bedroom, and that if there is something they're not sure about, the probably shouldn't do it.

(I'd like to add my own two cents, that decisions like this should always be accompanied with an ongoing conversation involving both partners, and anyone is entitled to change their mind at any time what they are or are not comfortable with.)

There has never been a letter, talk, or statement reaffirming the statement that oral sex is off limits to couples since the original letter in January 1982.

More recently, in May of 2007, the church released a press release addressing how church members and the rest of the world can determine what is church doctrine, and what is not.

Not every statement made by a Church leader, past or present, necessarily constitutes doctrine. A single statement made by a single leader on a single occasion often represents a personal, though well-considered, opinion, but is not meant to be officially binding for the whole Church. With divine inspiration, the First Presidency (the prophet and his two counselors) and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (the second-highest governing body of the Church) counsel together to establish doctrine that is consistently proclaimed in official Church publications. This doctrine resides in the four “standard works” of scripture (the Holy Bible, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price), official declarations and proclamations, and the Articles of Faith. Isolated statements are often taken out of context, leaving their original meaning distorted.

The Science

We are unique in our gospel in that our doctrine reinforces the idea that sex is a deeply important, sacred, and enriching aspect of our human experience. It's a gift from God meant to unify couples spiritually, emotionally, and physically. It's the means through which we bring souls to earth and create our families.

In order for sex to fulfill its purpose of uniting couples, it needs to be an enjoyable experience for both partners. If sex is painful, uncomfortable, non-consensual, or one-sided, couples miss out on the oxytocin and dopamine rush that creates the deep, lasting and connecting emotional marriage bonds.

It's up to you to communicate with your partner and cultivate a rich and fulfilling sexual relationship. It's up to you to decide what works for you and what doesn't, what enhances your relationship, and what detracts from it.

One of the most fundamental facts that every couple should know (but few are actually taught) is that the research shows that only a small percentage of women (around 20%) can experience an orgasm through vaginal intercourse alone. Most women rely on clitoral stimulation to enhance their sexual experience, and many need it to orgasm. (Where that stimulation comes from is up to you.)

Resources

If you want to learn more about how to cultivate a vibrant and mutually fulfilling sexual relationship, here are some resources:

This episode of "Ask A Mormon Sex Therapist" with Jennifer Finlayson-Fife